Dear David, today I received a message from my ex. he reminds me that we meet 6 years ago. I wish I could not receive any message from him. Because his text makes my soul feel… blue. Sad. I realized that my heart, my soul is in quarantine for a few years now. No one was in my heart after him. I couldn’t love anyone else. I wasn’t prepared. My heart is still frozen.
We didn’t break up because we didn’t love each other. We’ve been through so many things that at some point we see our life together very differently.
I am not sorry because I was with him. Every person, every experience is a lesson that I am trying to learn.
Our love was mad, crazy… too much passion, too much jealousy, too much drama… but was UNFORGETTABLE… Only lions love like us. he was under my skin. I was living for him, he gives me a reason to fight. From both of us. If I blame someone for our broke up than I prefer to blame myself.
his message was a very sweet-sour text. he told me that he still loves me and he will always do. But also he wanted to tell me that he is happy now, in a new relationship. Even now, after all of this time, I don’t want to read, to hear that. I learned from the past that things that I don’t know, cannot hurt me.
I cried. I forgot how is to cry for… love. My heart was bleeding. Don’t understand me wrong. I don’t want to be with him again. No. But remember all those memories… and I always keep in my heart only those beautiful and unforgettable memories.
I was thinking where I am today and how happy I was with him. We didn’t have any money, but we were rich. We had something more important than any money in the world: unconditional love.
Today, I have some money (through prostitution) but I don’t have love. My ex and his actual bf don’t have money, but they are happy together as poor as they are.
I wish I didn’t want to ask myself to have much. I wish I was more simple, to not want always more and more. More money, more luxurious life, more 5stars holidays… Why I am so obsessed with having more and more?
This comes from my childhood. My parents were so poor that we have days without any food. Only water. I remember a day when I was very small and I found my mother crying because she wanted to give us everything but she couldn’t. That moment changed my life forever. I swore to God that I will never be hungry again. It doesn’t matter what I will do for that. God is my witness. I will never be hungry again.
So, I choose to make money that doesn’t matter how I make it. Just not to have ever a moment in my life that my family will be hungry again. I want to help and protect them always. To not say I CANT.
But, today he is again very present in my mind. his voice, his eyes will be always on my mind. he told me that no one after me cannot delete our memories and that I was The One for him.
I remember that old but gold movie Splendor in the grass… The final scene of this film, after Deanie (Natalie Wood) visits her old boyfriend Bud (Warren Beatty), now married into an ordinary wife (and life). I feel it that way. And I don’t want to go back to that life ever!
I will not cry again thinking about my feelings about him. That was Passed. I am looking always forward. Maybe, one day I will find love again. A smart, funny and wealthy guy. I cannot be again with a poor guy. And I am not sorry for my wish.
Yours,
Il Principe AG
PS
I am writing in this… bad English because I don’t know better English. It is not my mother tongue. But Bad English is still Good English! And I prefer to be better with tongue doing other… stuff.